Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Putting the Die in Diet

>Work at Subway
>Massive hamplanet walks in
>Asks what the best subs are for diets
>Tell him veggie for low calories and steak or chicken for protein
>Asks for steak, double meat
>Gets double cheese as well
>Think to myself "How is this guy on a diet"
>Orders no veggies, just mayo. I put some on but he keeps asking for more
>River of mayo on sandwich
>Get to cash, he gets half a dozen cookies, a bag of chips and a large drink
>Sits down, eats it all by himself.
>Comes back nearly 15 minutes later, gets two cinnamon roles.
>This guy ate more than 3000 calories and he says he's on a diet...

Monday, 18 August 2014

i was at a loss for words so i simply told him that he cant ever talk to me about his diet shit ever again.

>bro moaning about how theres nothing for him to eat since hes on a cut
>makes himself a salad
>hes raiding the sandwich ham for his sandwich
>tell him "you know, you can also drink a casein sh-"
>got him that casein shake almost 2 months ago
>he only touched it maybe twice

Sunday, 17 August 2014

The stars have aligned

>be me hanging with friends
>friend brings his gf
>gf starts talking to me about weigh loss
>"I'm trying to detox my body! Eating healthy!"
>see her drinking large iced cappuccino sugar-infested beverage
>notices "Oh this is my treat of the day that Anon got me! One a day that's it!"
>we all go to a big park
>there's a little food shop (hot dogs, fries, etc)
>I go to the bathroom, come back 5 mins later (It's a bit of a walk away)
>see friend with his gf
>she turns around
>has eaten a hot dog and is now balls-deep into a large poutine (fries+gravy+cheese curds)
>mfw 'one treat a day!'

Saturday, 16 August 2014

fucking hamlets, when will they learn?

>waiting tables for cash
>hamplanet family comes in
>they love food so much that they treat me and other staff with respect so they don't get spit/semen/pubes in their feed
>not picky about ordering because they don't want to frustrate the cooks
>as a result they get their food as ordered
>they order appetizers, entrees, drinks, dessert
>$290 bill
>tip me $60 cash

Friday, 15 August 2014

Thou Shalt Not..

>Be me at work
>We're getting a new supervisor
>The moon approaches
>He seems like a friendly guy
>We talk and get to know each other a bit better
>Over the next few days I realize he's Christian, as am I
>I tell him I've been reading through the Old Testament
>Say I've noticed a lot of people fasting during that time
>I tell him that I've fasted before
>He lights up, "Me too!"
>He asks me how long I fasted for
>I tell him I fasted for about 4 days, but had to break it as to not be rude to a lady offering me food
>His smile fades
>I ask him how long he fasted for
>"8 hours"

Thursday, 14 August 2014


>Shopping, picking up my oats
>No, seriously, went to the Chef Shop, picked up a case of Quaker Oats, 12 tubes @ 48oz for $29.96. Six month supply for cheap.
>Walking in, hamplanet black lady with not quite so hammy dude storming out screaming over her shoulder "I can't believe you niggas don't take EBT. How the fuck you be a store and not take EBT?"
>Big-ass signs on door saying "Unfortunately we do not currently accept SNAP/WIC/EBT. Sorry for the inconvenience."
>See manager looking type pushing flat with bulk pack potato chips, chocolate, candies, french fries, and other miscellaneous bullshit
>MFW to the entitled hambeast

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

I thought I knew insane. I didn't know insane.

Originally posted here: http://wanusmaximus.livejournal.com/943603.html

Too amazing not to share.

There is a story to be told here. Statik and I are talking about it,because the S. story is eating up a lot of our mindspace right now.Rather than get right into this whole thing, I would like to begin bygiving a brief setup.

What fucking year is it? I havn't seen a CRT in a long time. Nice wood panelling bro

Jason (Me, stupid!)



Now, many of you have heard of Shay. She is the villain of this story.

Okay, the VERY brief version, which I am thinking about expressing as a full novel...

Shayand I were friends since we both got online, about eight years ago. Sheand I talked exclusively online til I got a cell phone, whereupon westarted talking on the phone, at least once a week. She would oftenhave her son chat with me online as we spoke. She was very active inthe gay parenting groups online, and wrote prolifically on raising herson and her interactions with the world as a lesbian.

Accordingto Shay, she got kicked out of her evil grandmother's house once shefinished paying off the mortgage. She bounced from place to place, evenchacking herself into a rehab so she would have a place to stay thoughshe did not have a drug addiction. She lived with friends for a longperiod of time, one year for one and two years with another. Her sonwas with her when she did.

She recently moved back in with herdad, like six or seven months ago. He got in trouble with hislandlords, however, and she needed to go somewhere. She asked if shecould come here and crash with me, get a job and a place of her own. Isaid yeah, I mean, I KNEW her, right?

She crashed here andsmelled up the place with her "hormonal imbalance," which would meanthat she had a bum full of shit that couldn't be wiped, though itdidn't smell like poo, more like dirt and rotting vegtables.

Aftergetting me in trouble with my landlord, I found accomodations for herwith a friend who was looking for a roommate. She was to have a jobwith which to pay rent by the end of the month, but he gave her a freemonth's rent.

Fast-forward two weeks. She is getting kickedout of Statik's house form being hell on fat legs and stinking up hisapartment and making a spectacle of herself in the main areas of thecomplex. She goes or they both go, so he was getting rid of her. Thiswas the last straw. She e-mailed me telling me that she was going to"do what she had to do," and then I got an e-mail from her son tellingme that she was going to hurt herself, so I called 9-1-1. Meanwhile,she has downed a bottle of Valerian Root. They arrested her, I calledher dad.

Daddy, who turns out to actually be step-daddy, saysshe HAS no son. I start doing research. None of the friends she stayedwith know what I am talking about, they never met her son, though theyhave heard of him lots, as I did, and have chatted with him online.They have all sent her money to feed him and herself. Then we go tohelp Statik clean up his apt, and the rest is history, granting memaybe a week of internet stardom, which is pretty fucking funny.

Soyeah, most of you know that I found out about her son, the son that Ihave heard about for the past eight years, the son that I have chattedwith for the past eight years, does not exist. I have spoken to some ofher other friends, and yeah, it's true, there is no Shane. Okay, okay,well, there WAS a Shane, but he died when he was a baby because he wasborn too small or something. So we're dealing with the girl who tookthe fun out of dysfunction.

I am sure you know from reading myprevious posts that she tried killing herself yesterday, and I calledthe police, because well, yeah, sort of had to and all. However, I amsure that some of you would like to know what she was

when the police came and took her. I am sure that some of you would also like to know what sort of

Really powerful stuff, huh?

Iwas NOT prepared for the mess at Statik's place though. I KNEW therewould be smell. I knew there would be some mess. Statik told me a fewdays ago that there was poo on the edge of her bed. I thought that itwas actually the chocolate pudding that I gave her. No, no, it was poo.Of course, none of us knew what was in store for us. I'll take youthrough the story as well as I possibly can, however, none of it ispleasant, and some of these pics? Well, you need to be VERY strong ofconstitution to look at them. I also want to stress that these picswere taken mainly so that I can bring them in to the staff of whatevermedical facility she gets admitted to and show them just how ba thesituation truly is. I'm also posting them here because I need to vent.

Tostart, I should say that we all three of us went to the emergency roomyesterday to see her. She had Statik's keys, so it was pretty muchsomething that he could not avoid, and I wanted to go see her and all.I had no idea what I wanted to say, but I figured that everything wouldwork itself out as the night progressed. Well, yeah, sure. We go there,visit, she seems to think it's a normal thing to tell Statik that shewanted him to come home and find her dead body. She was eating hersecond meal when we were there as well. There was a lot that was justplain odd. I don't remember all of it, but a lot of it had to do withthe fact that she wanted to die, and she had downed a bunch of sleepingpills. As you saw from the pic above, what she "od'ed on" was actuallyValerian Root, which does NOTHING if you take too much of, because it'sjust a stupid herbal remedy. I am not going to go too much into thevisit in the hospital, but I did call her on the Shane thing, and sheINSISTS that her step-dad is her real dad and that Shane exists. Ibaited her a little bit though, and I asked her how long Shane livedwith Connie for. As I had asked Connie if she'd ever met Shane before,well, I knew that Connie never met him. Shay told me that Shane livedwith Connie for two years, and with Beth for a year. One of the thingsthat stood out, however, is that S. came right out and said to Statik,"The one thing that I ask is that you let me pack my own stuff. I won'tbe on here forever." Mmm hmm. Something was up, you could tell. I wishwe had even a clue as to how much bad was in store for us.

Thethree of us leave, confused, and head to Statik's house. Well, welooked around, and I put a glove on, (Statik often changed the colourof his hair, so he has a box of vinyl gloves,) and picked up her pants.BIG mistake, because there was something, presumably blood, all overthem. Jason = grossed out at this point. I stopped looking throughthose.

Of course, a smell was permeating the front room,coming from the bed. There was some brown stuff on the electricblanket, and well, we were morbidly curious. So I pick up the blanketup. BAD, BAD mistake. There is a TON of brown stuff. We assumed it wasblood. We were disgusted. Fags in general aren't so good at dealingwith "woman blood." Menses. The Crimson Tide. Whatever the fuck youwanna call it. I do a lot better than most, cuz you people who know meknow that I live for my girls, all my hags out there. We covered themess back up with the blanket and did the grossout dance for a while.

Inoticed my duffle bag, and the fact that it was full perplexed me.After all, her things were strewn about the room, what little she had.So what did I do? I opened it. The contents? Trash. Food wrappers.Almost-empty pudding cups. Fruit flies. And damn, a smell that couldkill a cow. Zipping that bag back up, the curiosity was too great forme and Statik, so we opened the other bag, thinking that we would findher pictures in there, since we are curious who the pics that sheclaims to be Shane actually are. Well, we found something much, muchworse, something that made my gorge rise, quite literally. There weretwo 2-liter soda bottles in the bag, both of them FULL of urine. Theone in the Pepsi bottle had fermentation/sediment in it. I ran to theedge of the balcony and dry-heaved. Those who know me well know that medry-heaving at something disgusting doesn't happen often. There wasgreen shit in the pee bottle though, and well, EEEYUU!!! We DID ventureinto the last bag, and we found the pics that were supposedly of herson. I don't even know why we wanted to see them so badly, because it'snot like we were about to be able to look at the pics and have divineinspiration hit us, allowing us to figure out who the kid really was.We stared at them in shocked silence before continuing.

We hadto leave, so Statik came here for the night; there was no way I couldin all of good concience make him stay there. Hell, we're talkingbiohazard at this point. He stayed here, and we all got a littleliquored up. I think all of you can see that we were justified in thisthough, and that this is a situation that alcohol is needed. Mostlikely MUCH more than we drank. Derek and Statik hit the tequila, and Iwas all about the brandy.

This morning, we woke up late and Imade waffles, eggs and sausage. I only ate waffles, but I digress.Statik and I ran to Big Lots and Target, where he bought a shitload ofcleaning supplies. Then the three of us went back to his house, and thereal grossness began. We had to throw out the bed. When we took theelectric blanket off of the bed, well that was gross enough. However,that was FAR from the extent of it. I then pulled back the top sheet.Let me point out, as you will see in one of the pics, we were wearingLatex dish-washing gloves due to the severity of the disgustipation.Not one of us would have touched a thing without them. Anyway, when Ipulled the top sheet back, that was dry heave of the day number one.The sheets were stuck together, sandwiching diarrhea between them. Weall realized that this meant that she had shat herself, and rather thangetting up and fixing the situation, she merely put the top sheet ontop of it and went back to sleep. She must have been sleeping in thisfor DAYS due to the look of it. The shit had dripped down the side ofthe sheets and hit the floor. That's what we had assumed was chcolatepudding, since she had eaten that before. However, thigs made MUCH moresense when the sheets were pulled back.

EVERY pair of her pantswas shit-stained. One of them was glued to itself with shit, andemitted a little cloud of shit-dust when it was pulled apart. In thepics, this is the dark green pair.

Remember,these were taken while cleaning the place. I feel VERY lucky that thiswas not my place, but also irate that she did it at a friend's place.My relief takes over though, and frees me from feeling guilty, asStatik took her in as a favour to me and Derek. SCROLL PAST THESE PICS IF YOU THINK THEY MAY MAKE YOU ILL!!!

The mess was slightly visible even from outside.

The bed as seen when you walk in the front door.

Looks fairly innocuous, yes? Messy, but innocuous...

Pile of dirty laundry, since it goes in the middle of the living room.


Poo scrapings? Chocolate pudding? Dried mud? Yeah, it was poo.

WTF is one of my facecloths doing here?

Another shot of same.

One of the causes of my dry-heaving. I hadn't even noticed that this was only the top sheet at this point.

More of a bed shot to illustrate the disgustingness.

Say goodbye to the blanket I loaned her.

One side of the blanket that she'd been using.

The other.

AAAAAAAAAA!!!! I pulled the top sheet back!!!

*insert vomit noises here* Yeah, the poo ran DOWN the bed.

That clinches it, the bed is getting thrown out.

Sayonara, sucker!

Think that's bad?

Pulled apart! >.<

Racing stripes.

I told you about this one. Watch out...

Here's the nasty!

Does it EVER end?



One of these is mine, the others were her dads. They are both in the trash.

It's all wrong.

All the same pair. Did it run down her leg? What happened?

With the toilet looking this bad, how can her pants and bed be like that?

The bag I loaned her looks completely innocuous, yes?


Oh god, no. Poop in my bag. MY bag. 

Look for the maggots. There were plenty.

Her two bottles of urine. The Pepsi bottle is especially gross. *shudder*

Ifyou made it through this, well, congrats. I am still nauseated. Thereis much more, but I have to stop talking about it. Derek and I have anappointment with some alcohol. Yeah, tonight too.

Another note? These pics are all ones I took, so copyright me or whatever. [lel]


Oh.My. God. It got even worse. Statik messaged me with "I need to see heragain." He didn't tell me why, but he e-mailed me a link to hisPhotobucket account. The couch cushion was turned upside-down to hide aLARGE shit streak. Like, HUGE. It never ends. There is apparently pooall over the floor too, in the kitchen. Ugh.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

And the James constantly makes up stories about shit he's done in his life.

If he's to be believed, he has done all of the following:
>Fought in vietnam
>Was an officer in the NYPD
>Was a paramedic
>Owned a mattress store for 10 years
>Played the viola for the New York Philharmonic

Later I found out he was in the army for one contract, fighting in 0 conflicts, and he was not ever a police officer, he was apparently an auxiliary police officer. Basically a mall cop without a mall.

I have yet to catch him in any other lie, but I've not seen proof of any of it, and he is literally constantly high. He takes morphne, oxycontin, and another really high dose painkiller. Several times a day. This is because his knees are so fucked up from his obesity. He will tell you a story, and then the next day tell it again, but with details changed to make him sound more impressive.

Monday, 11 August 2014

Now my mother is a cat lover, so she adopts a cat. All well and good. But it turns out James loves the cat too. A lot.

So he adopts another
>And another
>And a pregnant cat
>Who then has a whole litter he doesn't give away
>Keeps accumulating cats in this manner
>Cannot clean the litter box due to bad knees
>Cannot discipline them, they walk all over everything
>Never spays or neuters them

Now I was 19 by this time, and got the fuck out of there, but my mom has kept living with him. So I continue to get stories. He's up to 31 cats now.

It was 33, but he literally sat on two of the kittens, killing both, cutting one in HALF because it was under his ENORMOUS lazy boy.

By this point the house has so much cat shit and cat piss in it that they dont even bother with the litter box any more.

Sunday, 10 August 2014

Let me tell you about this motherfucker I used to live with. Name was James.

>17 years old at the time
>Mom gets out of prison, moves in with this guy called James
>James is 350 lbs.
>Constantly wears 3 or more shirts
>Never showers
>Always smells like shit
>When he goes shopping with his food stamps, always uses the cripple cart
>One time makes a woman with a broken leg to get off hers so he can have it
>Eats food in the store,most of the time doesn't even pay for it after
>Breathes heavy doing literally anything
>Stays up till 5 in the morning eating
>Goes to Subway to get a foot long with chips and soda for lunch
>Goes to McDonalds before dinner
>Is on welfare, food stamps, disability