Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Forgot to say what happened after the pool


>takes us to pizza hut
>All you can eat pizza for 7.95
>I can only manage to eat half a pizza
>Where he has destroyed three already
>Chefs can't keep up with his pizza demand
>Uncle Ham says he's so full
praisebejesusitsamiracle
>As soon as we walk out, manager quickly comes to the entrance and takes away sign that says all you can eat 7.95
>mfw Uncle Ham manages to change the policy of an entire eating establishment on his own

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Fat uncle destroys pizza hut


>A couple of years ago
>Remember day vividly, it was december 26th of 2004
>Be on holiday vacation with the family
>Fat uncle is there too
>Takes me and my brother to the pool
>We go swimming and have a pretty good time
>Some chicks are sunbathing/whoring out their body next to the pool
>Waves start to form
>Cool this pool had artificial waves
> waves like in the sea, knocking us back and worth
>Suddenly it gets dark
>Can't see shit
>Is it an eclipse?
>Nope it's Fat Uncle approaching the pool
>mfw the waves were caused by his tremor inducing elephant hooves

>Says clear the way is gonna jump in the pool making a bomb
ohshitnigger.jpg
>Hurriedly get out of the pool
>Try to yell him no don't do it
>Too late
>Fat Uncle manages to create enough velocity to propel himself in to the pool
>Huge splash
>Sheer force of his jump in manages to slam me back in to the wall
>Water splashes everywhere
>Pray to the Iron Gods to not let me drown
>Quickly swim/run out of there and hope the cardio doesn't kill my gains
>Manager closes pool because there is no water left

Next day on news
>Massive earthquake causes Tsunami in Thailand and other parts of Asia, killing millions, sending them to a watery grave
>See Uncle Fat smirking
>mfw he knows
>mfw the earthquake and following tsunami was caused by Fat Uncle jumping in the pool and he knows
>mfw he nods knowingly and says he did that
>mfw HAES is utter shit and obesity has literally caused millions of deaths

Monday, 21 July 2014

Be me


>work with a nice guy who's pretty tubby.
>he's "trying" to lose weight.
>goes on a diet, again. but no exercise
>all the meals have been preplanned for him, so you don't learn about nutrition really.
>grapefruit + one egg for breakfast; steak + lettuce (wtf?) for dinner, kind of deal.
>end of the first week
>"oh man, I feel so run down… but hey I lost a stone!" (lol)
>the following week has abandoned diet
>"I now know I just need to watch what I eat"
>grilled cheese sambo and fries for lunch that day, plus a few slices of pizza.

also

>me and another co-worker both happen to be vegan (yeah I know, we're faggots)
>both bring lunch every day so we're flexible.
>tubby nice guy does not.
>"hey tubby nice guy, where do you want to eat?"
>"Oh, anywhere I can get a full roast chicken! (thanks diet plan)"
>mfw we work on the outskirts of town, with only two shitty canteens to choose from.

>mfw also me and other veganfag often talk about nutrition and swap advice just out of interest
>tubby nice guy never absorbs any of the info, even just by osmosis

Sunday, 20 July 2014

More of my Uncle Fat's logic


>'Anon I know why training isn't working out for me. All those muscle heads are roiding. I need to start using steroids too.'
>'But uncle..'
>'No buts! I know their secret now! HAHA. I know a friend of mine who can get me the goods (his actual words)
>Starts injecting steroids up his butt
>Continues to eat like shit
>Doesn't lose weight, has shitty work out routine
>'Anon I read about everything. I don't need your help. You see me in a couple of weeks. I'll be huge and rippling all over.'
okayyeahshorejenniferlawrence.gif

>Two weeks since his first pin
>Anon I am so horny. Must be cause of them hormones I've been injecting
>Anon I need to fuck someone right now
>Anon my balls are about to explode
>Forces me to go with him to a brothel
>Finds a whore and goes to her room
>Feel sorry for the whore as she must be regretting every life decision that has led her to this point
>He he doesn't break her bones, or kills her. I am not paying for the hospital bills
>He comes out in 5 minutes
>'God dem hormones are making me go crazy. I came after two pumps'
>See the whore walking out after
>Phew she's alive

>A week passes buy
>Uncle is still fat, still has shitty diet, still no workout ethic
>Is not gaining muscle, or losing fat
>'HUR DUR THESE ROIDS MUST BE BOGUS'
>Quits the gym because no results

Saturday, 19 July 2014

They always manage to pull the HUR DUR I AM OLDER. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH

Be a couple of years ago
>Fat fuck uncle was still at asteroid level and had not yet reached planet status
>'Anon I want to get fit with you. Let's work out together.'
>'Great uncle! I'd love to show you around in the gym and train you!'

>Go to gym and start with a warm up.
>I always run for 10-15 minutes to get the blood pumping, set my treadmill pace at 11km/hour
>Uncle Ham sets it at 5km/hour and starts walking
>Hey you have to start somewhere right?
>I'm all warmed up after 15 minutes and decide to do some abs.
>Uncle Ham says he'll join me in 5 minutes, wants to stop at the 20min mark
>Wow good for him
>I start doing my ab routine
>Uncle Ham comes over, lays on the mat, manages to do half a crunch
>'Anon I'm tired, lets go home'
>'But uncle we just got here? We've only done a warm up?
>'No I am tired. I'm leaving, let's go'
>'I thought you wanted to work out and get in shape?'
>'Anon Rome wasn't built in a day. Let's go. I'm beat'
>'Fine'

Have to cut my work out short (what work out? Didn't get to do anything). Because I drove him here, I have to drop him off. I'm a nice guy right? Didn't even get to properly train, because 'working out' for my hamplanet uncle consists of a walk of 20min..

Shower and get dressed
>'Hey anon let's stop at McDonalds I'm really hungry.'
>'B-but you just worked out. You shouldn't eat those foods anymore.'
>'I had a hard work out. I need to reward myself, otherwise I'd get demotivated and quit'
fatlogic.exe
>orders a big mac menu Large, 3 packets of mayo, 2 ketchup, a McChicken and a cheeseburger (phew I NEEDS MUH PROTEIN), also a diet Coke, because he's watching his diet now. NO CARBS LOL!! and a McFlurry to go.

allofmyfuckingwhat.exe

Friday, 18 July 2014

Stories of my fat uncle


>Fat uncle comes over to my house
little backstory
>He is my uncle but he's 6 years older than me
>My mom was grandma's first child and decades later this abomination of a human was born
>Uncle is fat as fuck and fat logic has fried his brain already
>'Hur Durr I am tall so I carry my weight well' (he doesn't)
>Fat fuck uncle is 190cm and around 140-150kg with my guess 45-50% bodyfat

anyhow fat fuck comes over
>was a hamplanet and has now reached star status
>'Hur Dur Yer lookin' good anon. I plan on going back to the gym too'
>Says this everytime he sees me, because he gets reminded of his fat fuck self when he sees swole me, never goes though
>'I work full time, butter butter, gravy, don't have time to work out, candy, chocolate


>'Anon I'm thirsty what do you have to drink?'
>'We only have water uncle, because we don't drink soda'
>'What no soda?'
>We never have soda (he knows this, yet asks everytime wtf??), because it's basically a liquid sugar bomb, I do keep some red bulls in the fridge (one of my guilty pleasures. Allow myself 1-2 red bulls per week)
>Had three in the fridge, before I left for the gym
>Get home after gym.
>Can't see Uncle Ham anywhere, have I gone blind?
>Nope, Mum tells me he left

>Good. Now for some red bull and some cottage cheese
>Open fridge. No red bull and a half eaten cottage cheese is left (had two in the fridge)
>'Mum where are my red bulls?'
>'Oh your uncle was thirsty he drank them'
>'All three??'
>'Yes'
>'What about the cottage cheese??'
>'He was hungry and ate that too, but he did save you half of one'
>'What why? Why does he have to be a fat fuck and keep eating my stuff? WTF?
>'ANON BE NICE. HE is your uncle and was a guest in our house! Besides he left you some cottage cheese, so isn't that nice?'
>He left me some of MY cottage cheese, what a saint

mfw he comes to my house, raids my fridge and leaves me some of my cottage cheese and is praised to the heavens. God I fucking hate that parasite

Thursday, 17 July 2014

I'm fat, but nowhere near her level of fat.

>be relatively chubby nearly my entire life, got my father's genes of tall and large
>start dating a pretty fit girl sophomore year of high school, still going out
>last year in college psychology course
>sitting next to hamplanet related
>she knows I have a girlfriend, asks about her sometimes
>constantly talking about her ex, it seems like she gets back with him and then he breaks her heart every few weeks
>poor fella
>she one time showed me a picture of him naked on her phone in class, without ever telling me more than just "hey, look at this"
>she then starts asking me on a date nearly every week
>even though she knows I'm in a long term relationship

 And she walks around with a keychain with tons of heavy metal keychains, and like two actual keys. So you can hear her coming from miles away

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

We still mention it every now and then to him and I see her around town.

>younger me had a group of drinking friends who sorta overlapped with a few goth/scene kids
>at this one guys place, its packed with after party drinkers and scene kids drunk as shit
>see this one land locked whale of a creature
>she's all over the host, he's loving it for some reason
>that boy ain't right
>lots of drugs being passed around, don't touch any of them and stick to drinking beer
>strike out a few times with various ladies, starting to think whats the point
>suddenly fatty mcphat's friend is all over me
>solid 7/10, not gonna lie
>decide we'll go back to her's a fatties place
>where is fatty?
>where is the host?
>Oh god what has he done.jpg
>go up stairs, don't hear anything coming from host's room
>knock, and then enter
>oh god what is that smell
>it stinks of shit in here m8
>suddenly host screams and leaps from bed
>there's shit all over his legs
>fatty shat the bed while he was sleeping next to her
>almost throw up, either from laughter or sheer horror
>don't get laid that night


Tuesday, 15 July 2014

go to school with 5'0 fatty fat of fatstown scene kid that had to be at least 150kg of pure lard

>go to school with 5'0 fatty fat of fatstown scene kid that had to be at least 150kg of pure lard
>be 16 year old 5'5 chubby but making it me
>within 10 minutes of meeting her she tells me she's engaged to her bf of three months and that he makes her squirt
>she actually told me he makes her squirt
>goes on to me about how much he loves her curves and that all her fat is in her boobs
>told me this while guzzling down a giant cookies and creme frappucino then telling me she has one everyday before lamenting about how she can't lose weight
>mfw she looked me dead in the eye and said we're the same size
>mfw she somehow managed to get a stick to love her

Monday, 14 July 2014

Pound that mound dad

>Dads telling me about his new fat girlfriend.
-She's barely eating anything.
-She's on a such a strict diet.

>One week later,
-they're having takeaways every night.

>Yesterday, dad calls up and says fatgf wants to take my dog for a run.
>I'm going out around walkies time anyway so it's perfect.
>Dogbro is getting old so I figure a short run with the fuckpig would be ok.

>Go collect dogbro after meal.
>"So did you tire him out, chubby?"
>"Oooh naaah, we ended up just going to the pub and having a meal!"

On one hand he sat around a pub for 3 hours and didn't get his exercise but on the other at least I know shes too greedy to mess up his macros.