Friday, 31 October 2014

Fuck that job. I never hated fat people as much until I worked at a fucking bakery.

>used to work in bakery
>every Wednesday some fat ass woman would always come and order a dozen fucking cupcakes
>one day in the process of closing
>shit is literally less than one minute before I get to lock the door
>already have everything cleaned, half the lights off, machines shut down and in the process of counting the till
>suddenly see lights from outside the window
>"who the fucking fuck..."
>fucking whale woman comes charging in
>me: "yeah...great. What do you want?"
>give her a pretty obvious "are you fucking serious right now?" but she doesn't notice
>orders a fucking dozen cupcakes again
>have to go into the back and pull shit out again to get them for her
>finally finish packaging and bagging them
>about to ring this bitch up
>fucking just freeze and bite my cheek so fucking hard to prevent roaring at her to get out.
>me: "S-Sorry. We're out of cream."
>me: "We're out today. It sucks. That will be $24.00."
>she seems to FINALLY get the fucking picture
>follow close as fucking possible to her as she walks out
>slam the door fucking shut just as she walks out and lock it as loud as I can
>turn off the front lights while staring directly at her

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Well who else would you be?

>Be me
>Have a gluten intolerance so I get wasted pretty easily
>Gymbro has a party at his house
>Bring lots of alcohol
>My gymbro is also a liteweight baby when it comes to hard alcohol and we're giggling like schoolgirl after our second shot
>Some fatty shows up, we don't like him, but it is the she-kin of this girl who is okay
>Found out it was a woman
>Apparently one of those well fed bull dykes
>I'm gone at this point so I don't care
>I do remember her scowling at people for not giving her attention while she sipped her diet coke and constantly had a full slice of pizza in her hand.

>Gymbro's roommate bought 6 boxes of the cheapoo $5 pizzas
>Weren't that many people there, maybe 15?
>At around midnight they're all gone
>Gymbro toys around and starts yelling "Who the fuck ate all my pizza?"
>The He-woman tries to play it off like "It was those drunk guys with the muscles."
>Most people there know I can't eat pizza
>My roommate just says to the She-man "Shut up, you faggot!"
>I ask why her fancy shirt from torrid is covered in ranch
>Suggests my gymbro lick it off
>She fucking pepper sprays us and calls the cops claiming we tried to assault her
>The next day I had to cancel an important meeting because I was in so much fucking pain
>Ordinary girl gets her she-kin to calm down and they leave
>Make a pact, frame it on the entrance, that no fat bitches are allowed in this house

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

MFW I watch people do this to themselves.

>At theatre last week, older friend did screen writing for a play, went opening night to support him.
>You know the "drama" types. They're either super thin skeletons, or super fat hippos.
>Actors were all hungry skeletons, audience full of hippos.
>After the play, my group of friends and I decide to go do a dessert diner in town.
>Apparently the word "dessert" carried through the air, like those looney-toons where the wafting scent reaches over to somebody's nose, and seductively gestures them to follow it to food.
>We get to the dessert place, and not a moment after, the hippos file in through the door. Y'know the type, open-minded feminist drama lovers with dyed hair.
>We order our stuff. Everybody in my group is reasonably health-conscious, me being the most, and we all order 1 slice of cake or pie apiece.
>Hippos lined up behind me (four of them), order a WHOLE cake to themselves. Mind you they make their desserts -very- rich in texture, this thing must be loaded with like, fucking 10k calories, mostly sugar and fat.
>We sit at a table to eat, but as we were eating, on the other side of the diner I saw the hippos gather.
>They all decide to sit in a boot because "they don't trust chairs", and as they slide in I can hear the seat-padding squeak against their flab, like the sound of balloons being rubbed together.
>Some of their belly rests atop the table, some below it. They're obviously uncomfortable, but they can't stop now that the cake is on the table.
>The game of Hungry Hungry Hippos begins: they don't even cut slices onto plates, they start digging right in with their forks.
>Within TEN MINUTES, all four of them manage to eat this red velvet fudge cake.
>My appetite escapes me as I bare witness to this disgusting site.
>As my friends and I are leaving, THE HIPPOS GET UP AND GET BACK IN LINE FOR MORE.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

A small moon enters orbit

>two fatties in front of me at the grocery store checkout line
>cart is full of hambeast delights: frozen pizza, lunch meat, beef, twinkies, cakes, all manner of sweets
>fatties talk and laugh loudly, but the cashier is fast so I'm thinking it'll all be over soon
>"sorry, our son is grabbing something for us. Can you wait a minute for him?"
>the cashier shrugs; you know she's seen this shit countless times before
>fatties don't even apologize for being fat, wasting my time
>son, every bit as fat as his planetary parents, comes through the line and rubs his gut over me as he presses through
>fatty's breathing hard, carrying 4 12-packs of moutain dew
>to cap it off all, fat faggot dad busts out his foodstamps card to pay for it all.
>when I'm playing for my chicken and eggs I can help commenting on how disgusting they were
>cashier says they do this every week

Monday, 27 October 2014

Topkek, fatties, when will they learn?

>wait at a crowded bus stop and its raining hard
>bus pulls up and bus is already crowded
>start walking into the bus when I see a hamplanet taking up two seats up front
>just to make her life more miserable ask her to stand up
>flustered hamplanet asks me why
we need more space for everyone to get into the bus and with the seats collapsible, more people can fit into the bus
>enraged hamplanet tells me no and that she was tired
>tells me why dont I ask the old lady with bags of groceries adjacent to her
>people are getting irritated and another guy asked her to please
>refuses and at this point a swole bus driver tells the hamplanet you can either stand up or leave the bus
>hamplanet was so enraged she does try to leave the bus
note the word "try", she couldn't get out because it was too packed
>in the end the seat was collapsed and she sat down on the floor huffing and puffing

>Match up with fatty on tinder
>She messages me hi
>mfw she thinks she deserves to be treated like a human
>mfw I'll probably end up fucking with her in some way before unmatching

Sunday, 26 October 2014

I knew he wouldn't fit, but having a west nile explanation was new to me. Has anyone else ever seen a whale claim west nile made them fat? I laughed my ass off that night.

>new to a college, join the car club to meet people
>introduce myself to a fatty driving a mazdaspeed 3, because JDM
>He's miring my two seater sports car, because JDM
>Offer to let him sit in it, after he said he'd never seen one before
>"It looks so low, idk if I can
>Fatty drops his ass into the seat, as I see my suspension compress to bear his enormous frame
>Tries to swing legs in the car, is too fat to bypass the steering wheel
>Gets all red and upset, then basically falls forward out of the seat onto the concrete to escape the jaws that are bucket seats
>Goes on some big pity party about how west nile made him fat

Saturday, 25 October 2014

here's a really condensed one

>go out for job
>pass by car driving 2 mph with a dog walking besides it
>run up closer
>realize dog is on the leash
>run past the car
>fat as fuck old woman is walking her dog while driving her car cause she doesn't wanna actually walk to get her dog some exercise